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Ask Me: How do I identify if I’m in a bad marital relationship?

Q.  I have been married for 15 years, but I don’t feel happy in my marriage. How do I identify if I am in a bad marital relationship? How can I make it better, if my spouse is not ready to cooperate?

KU: Romantic love makes a good marriage. Husband wife stand clasped in each other’s arms watching the setting sun behind the mountains. They swear by eternal devotion and bonding, in time descending through the years their devotion shouldn’t decrease. This imagination may inspire many people to marry, yet in the search of a romantic marital relationship many end up in not so romantic marriage or even a bitter and ugly relationship.

Marriages cannot be a continuation of the ecstasy of courtship, if one assumes so then they are in for a big jolt. Happy marriages thrive on barriers, frustrations, separations and delays. When we remove these obstacles, replace them with the everyday activity of married life, the glamour, passion fades away. Some married people, feel cheated and declare their marriage as broken and bankrupt.

Your query does not specify any particular issue, if there is dissatisfaction I am sure a connect with a good counsellor will help you and your spouse to understand the root cause and accordingly work on bringing that enthusiasm in your relationship.

It’s also important to check for yourself why you feel your marriage is not a happy one.

Many ignore the fact that people grow weary of each other unless they have cultivated some common interest and values. Marital affection is slow warming flame and cannot blossom without kindness, consideration, communication, accommodating with each other’s likes and dislikes, participating in various activities together and respect for each other. In a good marriage, there would be 75-80 percent of togetherness yet enough distance to permit individual growth and personal space.

Marriage is an equation of equality, both have to put in effort to make it pleasant. If someone believes that another individual is responsible for their happiness then they desire is to sit back and get the best of everything without any effort. But once both partners take charge of their own fulfilment, it enhances the chance for the marriage to be more fun and rewarding.

As a married partner it is important you speak and act without restraint. One should try not to carry their pent-up emotions from the workplace to the home. In case it happens so, politeness, tact and good humor all help to create a relaxed and loving environment at home.

One cannot automatically understand another person’s feelings, regardless of the intense devotion, one learns through instruction and trial and error. A happy and strong marriage requires total trust. Many good marriages tend to be based on a tinge of insecurity. It is more practical and realistic to believe that one’s partner can surrender to temptations. Thinking that your spouse is too homely to attract another person, your trust will not generate respect, excitement or satisfaction.

An increase in the display of care and affection, makes marriage worth it.

Living without lies and secrets opens one to being known and understood and that isn’t boring. And in case if infidelity has crawled in the relationship it’s better to part off sensibly with due respect for each other and proper care for the children and their future. 

Kavita Upadhyay

Is a counsellor with expertise in family counselling, marital counselling, child counselling, adolescence and career counselling, gender issues and stress management. Kavita has 25+ years of experience in these areas and also trains for life skills and special needs. You can follow her here.

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