Q. How will a marriage counsellor help me, when my loved ones have failed in resolving issues between me and my spouse?
KU. Any marriage survives only when both partners are on the same platform, problems arise when the relationship requires tuning up and serious repairs.
All couples experience conflict. It can be a battle about money, children, unsatisfactory sex life or a pattern of constant arguing. Covid-19 has added a big stressor when couples are spending more time together which is increasing tension or exposing the hidden cracks in a marital relation.
Friends and family try to intervene in such relations but often tend to get influenced by their own biases and perceptions, thus overlooking many important dimensions.
Therapeutic help in the contrary to what some may believe, it’s not about being judgmental – who did what or who is to blame. Rather therapy provides tools for communicating and asking for what are the needs of both the partners. Studies indicate 75% couples who opt for therapy see an improvement in their relationship. One hour once a week total focus on each other with no distractions helps resolve issues and brings the partners closer to each other.
Partners struggle for years before trying any intervention, usually they connect with a counsellor at the terminal stage, but its always better to seek help before it’s too late. The longer any unhealthy behavior and resentful feelings stay they can become more difficult to change.
A major hurdle is when only one person in a marriage is eager for betterment. Reasons of seeking help may include, that partners have grown apart, no longer engage with each other and merely sharing the house as roommates. They run a household together but there’s no connection or intimacy. Couple therapy can reignite the zeal of togetherness. Money has always been a conflicting issue for couple, arrival of children, potential health problems, low interest rates all these and many more can be good reason for friction. Studies indicate in 36% cases money crisis is a reason of friction.
Certain exercises, rationalizing thoughts, action and words help the couples to become aware of their behavior and develop financial empathy and communicate well on various aspects.
Another very common reason for couples to seek help is an attempt to repair a breach of trust. It not only includes cheating, physical infidelity, but even hiding things and being secretive. Extramarital relations are often the consequence when things have been overlooked for years. A large number of married couples can revive their relationship by undergoing therapeutic interventions.
Arguments can be healthy but frequent indulgence in criticism or complaints, unkind words or verbal abuse, name calling or yelling/ shouting can be mended with counselling, by training individuals to communicate reasonably and respectfully. Any transition of illness, retirement, empty nest can affect relationship, if the marriage is not been nourished time to time.
Lack of love and intimacy is one of the biggest reasons of divorce all over the world. Couple counselling is useful when any of the spouse is not satisfied with the level of intimacy.
A good therapist will equip them to feel comfortable. Even when a marriage becomes totally dysfunctional, seeking help to amicably dissolve an irreparable marriage is better. Getting expert help from empathetic therapist is far better than looking for a pseudo psychologist.
Kavita Upadhyay
Kavita is a counsellor with expertise in Family Counselling, Marital Counselling, Child Counselling, Adolescence and Career Counselling, Gender issues and Stress management. Kavita has 25+ years of experience in these areas and also trains for life skills and special needs.
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