They say Life is unpredictable and I felt it, The day I Miscarried …
16th March 2021 after scrolling 100 videos on daily horoscope videos, I went for my transvaginal scan to check the progress as prescribed by my doctor. It was a tough and stressful 2 weeks wait, running behind every Gynea and following any random illogical tips given by them. Some were too rude and some gave hope but all I was thinking was I wish someone would have shared their story on Youtube.
Finally, the 2 weeks ended but someone I had an idea that the progress will be not good as my 48hrs Beta HCG levels were down but my mom and mother in law and my Husband were pacifying me and just hoping any miracle happens.
“All I was trusting the Almighty and chanting.”
I remember the day we got to know about my pregnancy I requested my Father in Law to bring Ramayana – Holy Book for me, each day I and my husband and my little Baby would together read 4 pages before going to bed. It use to calm me a lot. But when I heard on 16th March 2021 at about 11 am ‘NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY FOUND’ my only reaction was ‘Is it the end or I have to wait for the next 2 weeks. The doctor was very gentle because before the scan I requested her to be polite with me as I had a very bad experience in my first scan.
I went to my Gynea and she gently said ‘Kushboo We have to Let it Go…’ I cried a lot, she prescribed me the medication and guided me on how to take it. I came home crying all my way and seriously ten times refused to take the medication to start the bleeding. My heart didn’t want to let it go as he/she was My Baby. Somehow I took the medication and went to a garden near my house and we both just kept crying and kept seeing those 20 pregnancy kits with 2 pink lines I took to confirm my pregnancy.
We always prepare a Pregnant female for labour either your Doctor or your mother or mother in law will share her experience and prepare you. I wish there was someone to prepare me for the miscarriage process too. I mean my Gynea was amazing and supportive but I wish she would have told me ‘You will be feeling like pooping all the time or vomiting or the gush of shiver will make you so weak’ nothing was told. The moment I took medication and went for a walk for a change I felt like I will poop in my pants. It was the weirdest feeling. I told my husband to stop the car, rushed to the nearby hotel washroom and was just pooping with severe backache. My mom was with me and she was just rubbing my back in the toilet. I was apologizing to her and she just said ‘Beta I am your Mom, Bachpan mei bhi toh yeh sab kiya hai Beta. Tu tension maat le mei ho’.
“The value of a mother in a child’s life I understood that day.”
I came home and somehow I became very insecure for the first 2 weeks as if I will lose all my loved ones soon and was feeling so sorry. I hugged my husband and said I am sorry, he then turned up to me with his watery eyes and said the most unexpected words ‘Don’t be sorry Kushboo, what if the sperm was not good. Don’t blame yourself we both had worked hard to save him/her but our baby made his/her own destiny.’
Miscarriage is always associated with Silence, Shame and Stigma but soon we both decided to be vocal about it because we felt it is a natural process. And therefore I am here to be vocal about it so that my experience help someone to heal and feel she is not alone in this. It is tough to overcome this phase but today when I look up at the sky I think my Baby is always with US……
To see more of her empowering work follow her here
Kushboo Gupta
A Paediatric Nutritionist, Public health Professional and Child Birth Educator, Khushboo founded Little Curves with the aim to raise awareness around pre-conception, labour management, postpartum and miscarriages.
To see more of her empowering work follow her here…
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